Merton Eagles - So John Painter, goalkeeper extraordinaire, you were with the Eagles from the very start, back when they began life as the Merton Mavericks! Tell me, did your experience leave you feeling like a team member, or a victim of some nasty crime?

John Painter - Back in the beginning, you couldn't help but try and feel part of a team. Baring the fact that we were rubbish, we still had some team spirit. Every week, we all knew we could be talking telephone number score lines, but we all went out with determination, fight & passion, but just lacked the skill.

Merton Eagles - Sadly after nearly 4 years of........erm.........valuable service (cough, cough), you were forced to retire with a back injury. Rumour has it this was caused by constantly having to bend down to pick the ball out of the net! Care to clarify that for us?

John Painter - My injuries, have we got time for this? Just to skate on the surface of this subject, my back was a major factor in my retirement, which was a shame, as I'm sure my international debut was just around the corner.

ME - We heard you hurt your back in quite a serious car accident, which is quite an extreme way of saying I don't want to play anymore!! We guessed after you didn't turn up for a few months that you were retiring anyway, so you may have gone a bit overboard. Besides I always thought having Neil Belton in as the lynch pin of central midfield would have boosted your confidence??

JP - Only in the same way Bin Laden boosted the confidence of American airline passengers.

ME - A quick glance at the Eagles squad now would suggest weve finally found a worthy replacement for John "The Cat" Painter in our Jesus look-a-like, but when you compare the difference in the defence we now have with the strong battalion of defenders you had, you've got to feel a bit sorry for Joe?

JP - Oh yeah, hes got dealt the shit hand! But then, its a real test of any keepers patience, loyalty and sanity to keep the net behind a defence that was as solid as a post-curry turn out.

ME - When we used to kick off a match and you'd see Paul "I'll definitely be there" Williams, Mike "Forgot my lenses" Painter, Phil "Can someone tie my laces" Harrington and "Even Fatter" Matt lined up in front of you, what would be running through your mind?

JP - Straight after kick off? Normally it was Bollocks, 1-0, only 30 seconds gone, who shall I unleash fury on for that one?

ME - So you've been away from the Eagles for coming on 3 seasons now, do you miss the rush?

JP - Of course Just maybe not quite as much as I appreciate my bed & sex on tap of a Sunday morning.

ME - It was a bit unnecessary to chuck in the sex reference as the last thing we want to do is picture you having a shag! A fat hairy ginger is not a pretty image! I don't ask you to imagine the sexy dance routing I do for my missus before she gets total satisfaction do I! Although when you think about it, it does show how lucky these tarts really are doesn't it! What more could they want I ask you??

JP - Possibly not the sweaty rhino your missus gets bouncing on top of her after your dance routine!

ME - I'm too tired after the dancing mate!! If I remember rightly, each Sunday for you was mainly a rush to get to the pitch on time wasn't it?

JP - I had a reefer to smoke, how am I meant to finish that when I had a pair of gloves on. Use some common sense!

ME - A look around the website shows that your'e not forgotten by the team, with a place on the Hall of Fame soon to be awarded and two separate incidences in the top 10 of the Eagles most memorable moments. Does it fill you full of pride?

JP - Immense pride. Its always nice to be remembered, knowing I made my own personal mark in the history of the team.

ME - Even though they were both for stupid things?

JP - Only stupid in some peoples eyes (all those that saw them), to others (the ones who didnt see them and get my version), think I was just damned unlucky.

ME - Having said that the ball through the legs was fucking funny! Thank God it was friendly. Which needless to say we went on to lose. I think. I can't think back that far! You been involved in a hell of a lot of the funny/memorable moments in the Eagles history, got any favourites?

JP - The one that always sticks in my mind, and often brings a tear to my eye, was the 2 goals, in 1 game against.... bugger, what was there name? Their main attacker, Scott, had lobbed me about 10 minutes previous and was steaming down on goal again. I was out, off my line as quick as a flash, I see his leg drawing back to crack the ball, so I leap, star shaped at him, Peter Schmichael style, only to catch it square in the seeds, and have to push myself off the pitch on my back, in absolute agony and be replaced for the last 10 minutes. He didn't score though!

ME - What about miserable moments? I bet there are quite a few of those!??

JP - Oh yeah, especially when the kick off was delayed at all and we were late getting to the pub. I was almost suicidal.

ME - You also played with the best the Eagles have to offer from the sublime skills of Luke and Peanut, to the genius of Alec and Marco. Whos been the best player youve played with?

JP - That's a toughie, to pick out one player would be unfair. Nick has always been consistently good. The Lucas brothers, always enough to intimidate any attacker. The Nicolle brothers, plenty of skill when applied properly, I even hear Tom's learnt to pass the ball to some one other than Ollie. Brothers Bellord, Luke, the skill and precision of a brain surgeon, and Nathan power, speed and with a bastardly hard shot. I certainly couldn't leave out Marc Howden, whose determination and fight won many a battle on the pitch. I feel, I should mention my own brother Steve as well, who had the eye for goal, could always make that crucial run and gave us a great laugh with his Nijinsky like dives in the penalty area.

ME - And, as hard to answer as this question will be, who's been the worst??

JP - Bloody hell, you thought the list above was long. To keep it short, it'd be a close run thing between my grand mother, when I was a child, and Fattest Matt.

ME - As a goalkeeper with not the longest kick on him, after you'd just taken a goal kick and watched the ball bounce once on its way out of your own penalty area did you used to be laughing inside as much as I always was?

JP - You have to put yourself in my position. I place the ball down; tread down the grass, coz thats what they do on the TV. I pace out my run up, shout to the defenders to push up, wonder why they aren't taking any notice and the midfield are walking back towards me. Im off, eye on the ball, wind back the right leg and SMACK! BOLLOCKS! Done it again. But at least it normally came back for drop kick. I could do them.

ME - You were often regarded to be a hard working goalkeeper, not at work obviously, it was more a reference to the fact youd have to (try) to save countless goal bound efforts in every match. What was just favourite save over the years?

JP - I have to say, my favourite was in, I believe, our first season. We were playing near Canon Hill Common, they had another attack (hard to believe, I know), and from about 30 yards out, he struck the ball in the direction of my 61 brother Mike, who shit him self, tried to duck, the ball came off his shoulder and was heading straight for the top corner. I dive, acrobatically through the air, just getting my finger tips to it and pushing it round the post.

ME - I remember that save, unbelievable it was! We were all on the sidelines in silence wondering how you'd done that when the other goals they'd scored had gone through your legs! In all seriousness you were thought of as the best shot stopper in the League, any aspects of your game you'd have liked to work on had your career not been so cruelly curtailed by injury?

JP - I certainly could have been more accurate when coming out for crosses and the obvious spot kicking caused a problem or two. My fitness some times let me down, as did my awareness of what was going on around me. Vocally, I could have been a bit louder. I also some times lost my temper, and timed things wrong. But apart from that, I was brilliant and couldn't improve.

ME - The teams average age is now about 24 and rumour has it you recently turned 40, so the dressing room seems like an ideal play ground for you now. Any chance youll be coming out of retirement?

JP - I'm 30, you fat bastard! I have often thought about making a guest appearance, maybe for charity, show the youngsters how the game was played in my day.

ME - The team has lost 3 players to serious injury in this last season, and then your brother Steve is on the long term injury list because of a back injury. Do you think you got out at the right time or would you still like to be throwing your portly frame around the penalty box?

JP - I'm sure I got out at the right time. Steve, Mike and I have all had back problems, although Mike does have a little more to carry around than the rest of us, the last thing I want is to be consistently plagued by back pain.

ME - So far the Eagles have won a whopping nothing in their 6 year history, having lost in three semi finals. This season sees them in another semi, do you see them finally breaking that duck?