MERTON EAGLES - OK, so Steve Painter, striker extraordinaire, occasional keeper, you're partly responsible for the mess other wise known as Merton Eagles. What possessed you?

STEVE PAINTER - It was such a long time ago and the old memory isn't what it used to be so the facts are a bit hazy. I seem to remember being approached by a young Bill Shankly who'd seen me fall over when he was walking his dog and wanted to know if I fancied falling over for his team he managed. Obviously I jumped at the chance, and in doing so put my back out. Bill needed a faller over immediately and had to look elsewhere but by then the kernel of an idea was forming. Why not put a team together myself? An old friend of mine, Paul 'Bar Bitch' Williams was there from the start and together we enlisted a batch of the most (ahem) 'talented' players around. The list today reads like a veritable who's who of dubious footballers...John Painter, Mike Painter, Marc Howden, & Bob. Paul had arranged a friendly with one of his mates, Eagles legend Matt Seabrook, who was also throwing a team together.

One look at the awesome array of talent he'd managed to amass (Really Fat Matt, Joe and a couple of others too memorable to remember) convinced us that we ought to join forces. Between us we had just about 11 players and the Mavericks were born!

MERTON EAGLES - Cor, those names bring back memories! Paul and Mike are usually attendees of the Summer Camp, any idea what happened to them?

STEVE PAINTER - As far as I know, Mikes still about and talking enthusiastically about playing again. Unfortunately when he sobers up he realises hes actually a fat lay about with a hangover whos unlikely to be out of bed before midday on a Sunday. As for Paul, last I heard he was auditioning for Fame Academy singing the hits of West Life while firing ping-pong balls from his arse.

MERTON EAGLES - So, here you are, top goal scorer for 5 years in a row, you must feel pretty pleased with yourself?

STEVE PAINTER - It's not really that big a deal when you see the standard of competition!

ME - Well I know Im not the player I used to be, but that damn Ice Age caused all my problems! Assuming youre out too long to play Catch-up, who do you fancy to pinch your mantle as top goal scorer?

SP That's a toughie, it'll depend on who's fit and who plays where. I can see Luke scoring a few from midfield and Nath will always grab a good few but Ill plump for Ben I reckon. 

ME - Over the past 5 seasons, we're used to you picking up some new

fangled injury. What's wrong with you this time?

SP - It's a goodie this time, a sort of lower back, down me leg pain (stop me if I'm getting overly technical) which means I have trouble running, walking, standing and bending over (it's playing havoc me sex life).

ME - Can you elaborate on that? The injury I mean, Im sure the team are not interested in your masturbation habits!

SP - I'm told it's a problem with the sciatic nerve but I'm convinced it's merely the early stages of complete paralysis.

ME - You dont think its possibly Gods way of saying, Stay on your bloody feet in the penalty box!!?

SP - Honestly Lord, he touched me!

ME - Believe it or not, some of us are actually interested in how you got this injury?

SP - Almost certainly while prating about dancing like Jimmy Summerville.

ME - That explains a lot. And how long do you think you'll be out for?

SP - A couple of months should do the trick. Don't know if I'll be able to resist the temptation to play for that long though.

ME - With all the slickness of a top DJ, lets move onto another topic! What do you think is the secret to the relative success of the Eagles?

SP - A good team spirit, keeping the core of the team together, and getting shot of Alec.

ME - Now that you mention the indomitable Alec, out of all the players youve played with over these last 5 years, who are the top three players youve enjoyed playing with and why?

SP - Bloody good question that. Answer is I dont really know. People like Luke, Marc and you have probably laid me on for more goals than most others and Ive had good partnerships with the likes of Martin, Nath and Guy. But for sheer fun on the pitch Id say Tom (because maybe Ill get a pass out of him if I do), Bob (for his pure comedy moments) and my brother John for his ability to be both outstanding and utterly shite in the space of a few minutes.

ME - These last 5 years must feel like an eternity to a man of your age. What's your favourite memory so far?

SP - There really have been so many - scoring our first ever goal? Winning out first ever game? Scoring an overhead volley at only the 563rd time of trying? But the favourite has to be when Bob was reffing a game and he told a lairy opposition member to shut his mouth or else 'I'll put my cock in it'.

ME - And your least favourite?

SP - I could say losing one of the many semi-finals we seem to be so good at under performing in but in truth it's probably any one of the games we got completely annihilated in during our first season - remember being satisfied to only lose 8-1 against Britannia?

ME - Having been involved from the start, you seen a fair few players come and go. What do you think of the current eagles squad?

SP - By far the best we've had in terms of talent and potential. No disrespect to those distinguished goalkeepers that came before him but in Joe we have a great goalkeeper we can all rely on, the best defence in the league, our very own Zidane in Luke, and two really promising strikers in Ben and James. Add to that our recent acquisitions Rob, Jason, and Dave and the future looks good.

ME - Anyone stand out as the player to watch this season, from what

you've seen in the friendlies?

SP - James has come on leaps and bounds - he's a lot stronger physically and I really like his coolness on the ball. And Dave as well, he looks a very good all round player.

ME - What do you think we should be looking for from the Eagles this year?

SP - Immediate aim has to be survival in the top division, although hopefully we'll do more than just survive. I'd expect us to put together another decent cup run but this time we have to go all the way and actually win the trophy at the end of it all.

ME - Well thanks for your time Mr. Painter. Im sure I speak for the whole team, except probably Nathan, Ben and James, when I say we hope to see you up and playing as soon as possible!

Some wise words from Mr. Painter and some complete bollocks from both him and the rather dodgy interviewer!

Watch this space for next weeks interview with another of our long-term injuries, Marc Howden. Also on the horizon is an interview with the ubiquitous Clinton Curate and there are also rumours of the infamous John Painter giving us the low down on where it all went wrong!